The East Coast summer doldrums had been taking their toll on me and I was in need of a change of scenery. Even as a professional kayaker (and undisputedly the greatest kayaker in the world), I have not been immune to the hardships of our struggling economy. Things had gotten so bad that I had sell autographed pictures of myself on street corners just to scrape together enough money to make ends meet. My parents are even ashamed of me, my mom lies and tells her friends that I’m a drug dealer just to keep a little dignity. Yep, I needed to get out of town. So, I did what any honest Christian would do when in need of some money to take a vacation, I stole a few Grumman canoes, sold them for scrap metal, and was on my way out to the west coast!
Flying out, my anticipation was extremely high, I could hardly sit still in my seat. You know when you are a kid and someone gives you one of those chemistry sets as a gift and you do a couple of the lame experiments and get tired of it? Then you decide that you are going to mix all the stuff together and as you do, you are waiting for that big explosion! Yep, that’s the kind of anticipation I’m talking about. I flew out to Portland, Oregon, where I met up with old East Coast buddies Bryon Dorr and Joe Stumpfel to fire up some of the Pacific Northwest’s finest runs. On this trip, I was also joined by the Laker cheerleaders. I had promised that the cheerleaders of the winning team in the NBA championship would get the pride, the privilege, NAY I SAY THE PLEASURE of coming along on a Dogg adventure. A few of the normal Dogg cheerleaders were upset by this so I had a lottery for one lucky winner to come. The winner ended up being Nancy. Nancy is a long time Dogg cheerleader but she is getting on in years and has been on the bubble as of late for making next year's cut. Still, she does bring a lot to the table. She may not be as limber as she once was but she makes up for it with enthusiasm and willingness to experiment. But I digress.
I decided that I needed to get a full face helmet to protect me while running all these huge drops. I am supremely confident in my skills but it doesn't hurt to play things safe occasionally. Discretion is the better part of valor. What? Who says stuff like that? Besides, if I get my face mangled on some SIK drop, what drunken callgirl would have me then??
Things got underway quickly when I hooked a ride to the Little White Salmon with Dave Hoffman and Andy L. The run is excellent from start to finish. Things begin right away with a boulder garden called Getting Busy and continue from there. More bouldery drops lead to a SIK launch ramp called Boulder Sluice. I caught major air off of this 8 foot launcher. Oh yesh! It was NICHE!!!! Soon, we came upon a particularly SIK boulder drop called Island, which required ducking a log on the left and cutting hard right before boofing off an 8 foot drop. Soon, the characteristic of the creek changed to bedrock slides and ledges. These drops were incredibly fun and this creek was shaping up to be potentially the best creek EVERRRR!!!. S Turn was a 15 foot falls with a nice boof ramp followed by a narrow drop. More slides and ledges led to Wishbone, a 20 foot falls through a narrow notch in the center of the creek. The idea was to go down the middle and time a late boof stroke. I came down and timed my boof stroke perfectly, landing flat at the bottom away from any nastiness that was waiting for me. The gorge below here featured several more sweet drops that ran closely together. Stovepipe was soon after and had a 12 foot falls over a mushroom ramp that had a narrow and rocky landing. A well timed boof stroke is in order here to avoid getting mangled or shoved into the undercut on the left. A bad run through here would really knock the leaves of your rake! I, of course, launched a SCHWEEEET one off this falls, as I'm sure you probably assumed. Afterall, my boof stroke was rated Number 1 in People Magazine's issue showcasing the 50 Most Beautiful Boof Strokes for 2010. Soon, we were at Spirit Falls, a very picturesque 35 footer and the most famous drop on this run. Most boaters portage this drop due to its size and the Chaos that lies below. However, I decided to fire it up since I didn’t fly all the way over here to walk rapids. I have an itchy boof stroke but I held myself back as I sailed off this falls and landed at a 45 degree angle. My landing on the tremendous boil was as soft as landing on a pile of pillows. Oh Yesh! A few more good drops carried us to the takeout. We decided that since the run was so sweet, we had to do it again. We fired up a fast evening run and completed an excellent first day in the Pacific Northwest.
The next day, I met up with a group and did a pretty Class 4 section of the White Salmon called the Farmlands and then did another evening run of the Little White. Bryon Dorr had Thursday off from work so he called around that evening to see what would be running and worth firing up. We decided that the North Fork of the Lewis River would be a good option as it features 4 major waterfalls in a committing gorge. I made sure that I got a good night's sleep so I would be well rested for the run. It is important to be at your best, whether it is for some SIK creek or for that floozy you meet at TGI Friday's. In the morning, we headed over there through beautiful wilderness and past the town of Cougar. I stopped by the town store to wrestle the cougar before hitting the river. He put up a fight but I made him say uncle in the end. We passed a construction zone that had two hot chicks working the Stop/Slow signs. There they stood, staring at the Dogg, gawking at the Dogg, wanting to offer the Dogg some sweet lovin. Well, the Dogg is definitely a fan of gorgeous construction ladies but the allure of SIK drops was too much. We were soon at the putin and headed down the hill to the river.
The Lewis River starts with Taitnapum Falls, which was a nice 15 footer that we boofed on the left. It was a great way to start of the trip. A nice slide carried us to a formidable horizon line that marked Upper Lewis Falls. We had been told that we needed to scout from the right but Bryon eddied out on the left. I was over on the right but decided to ferry across to join Bryon. When I got across, Bryon was coming back from his scout and said that it was totally cliffed out and that we would have to go back across. We had to carry our boats upstream for a ways to be able to make the ferry. Boy, did I feel like a fool! I hadn’t been this embarrassed since I got kicked out of a gentleman’s club for using counterfeit $1 bills! Once on the right bank, we bushwacked our way to get a view of the falls. The falls dropped 50-60 feet over two tiers and was definitely runable but had several points of danger. The right side had the most water but had a sketchy boof flake complicated by a tree that dangled into the flow and a bad cave on the left. The middle line is the line that gets run most often but was a little on the scrapy side. I'm not sure that there was enough water to get a good boof stroke off the first 30 footer into shallow water. A stiff piton off this drop would really tighten the drawstrings on your coin purse! Both Bryon and I didn't really like the looks of this drop so we decided not to run it. We completed the arduous portage and were greeted with a wonderful view of the falls. From the angle below, the falls looked like it had enough water to run the middle but I wasn't going to carry all the way back up there.
We continued downstream over Middle Lewis Falls, which is a 20+ footer that we boofed on the left. After a mile of easy water, we had arrived at the main attraction, Lower Lewis Falls. Most people run Lower Lewis at low water but there was a ton of water pumping over the drop on this day. Basically, there is a slidy approach with some small holes to deal with that leads to a 4 foot drop with a diagonal breaking wave kicking right about 15 feet before a 40+ foot waterfall. The falls hits a boulder on the right and was an exploding mess of mayhem at the bottom. It was unclear what might happen to a boat dropping into this boiling vat of evil. I decided that I need to stop thinking about it and sac up and run it. That's the trouble with the world today, there's too much brains and not enough cock n balls! I got in my boat, admittedly nervous as this was a very scary drop. As YOUR kayaking hero, I feel an obligation to go out there and fire up the gnar day in and day out. I can't disappoint you, faithful reader, and I won't! I got into the flow and breezed through the approach. I took a righty off the 4 foot ledge to blast through the breaking wave then took two strokes and I was off the 40 footer. I launched a huge righty boof stroke and landed flat at the bottom with such a loud BOOF! that the people in Portland heard me! Upon landing, I immediately backendered, which was very unexpected. But, like John Wilkes Booth, Lower Lewis will sneak up and blow your brains out from behind! I was getting beat around by the curtain of water falling in from the left side channel. I waited out the pounding and rolled when it let up. I emerged from the maw victorious, much to the excitement of the crowd of Dogg fans that had gathered for this event and the uncounted millions watching from their television sets at home! I dropped a People's Elbow for good measure and celebrated by downing a 40 ounce of Hurricane and then playing Spin the Bottle with the Laker girls.
The next day, Bryon and I headed over to check out the Money Drop, a park n huck 50-55 footer on the way to the White Salmon. Being the scofflaws that we are, we parked by the No Trespassing sign and hiked in. I dare them to try to prosecute us to the fullest extent of the law. Any trouble anyone would try to give us would be met with the sharp sting of my boot leather! The water level was on the low side of things and we knew it was going to be a hard hit at the bottom. Ultimately, I decided that, despite the thin flow, I needed to run it. I came here to run the brown and it was right there in front of me. Well, today I was going to be dancing with Mr. Brownstone! I was on a roll and ready to fire stuff up, regardless of flow. You can't take a pitch pipe out of a man's hand when he's kickin a funky groove! I geared up and waited for Bryon to get into position with photos, video, and safety (in order of importance). There was an approach slide to the falls but I didn't want to get too much speed going down it so I slid off the bank about 30 feet from the lip of the falls. I slid in smoothly, floated off the edge and then tucked part way down to avoid impact. I stomped the drop perfectly and went straight in with no impact. Oh Yesh! It was SCHWWEEEEEEETTTT!!!!! Bryon decided that he would fire it up as well. His paddle mysteriously broke on the carry up so he needed to borrow mine. I handed it over and told him he better take care of my paddle or there would be a stern pistol whipping waiting for him. I got into position and soon he came over the falls, rocking a sweet line of his own! We were so stoked that we chest bumped until we broke our sternums and then headed over to the Green Truss.
The Green Truss section of the White Salmon is a classic Pacific Northwest run and contains some sweet rapids. The run had good water in it and we were joined by Nate Herbeck and Todd Wells for this run. Tons of cool drops carried us to Big Brother, the most famous drop on the run. This 30 footer can be boofed on the right heading left to avoid a cave or, because the water was up, run down a cascade on the left. Todd stomped a perfect boof on the right line while the rest of us fired up the cascade on the left. We all had nice runs through Double Drop, a two tiered 15 foot drop with big holes. The run calms down before gorging up at Upper and Lower Zigzag. These rapids careen back and forth against the walls and over drops and are quite exciting. Bryon and I decided to walk BZ Falls because of the ugly hole. Todd launched a nice boof but then nearly got sucked back into the hole. Nate melted the drop and came shooting through. One more exciting rapid called Maytag and then we were at the takeout, ending another exciting day. We celebrated this awesome time by hitting up all the juke joints and gin mills in Hood River. Things got a little crazy that night with the Laker cheerleaders. But that is another story altogether.
Next up, the Salmon River Gorge!
PHOTO: SEAN BOZ
PHOTO: LU
PHOTO: LU
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